What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Owl always love you.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
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