Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Go to BabaMail
