Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
You snooze. You booze.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
"Partners in wine."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
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