What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
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