I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
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