You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
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