Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
I think you're mer-mazing.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
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