The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
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