What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Metaphors be with you.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
The calm before the score
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Beer-lieve it or not!
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
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