What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Variety is the ice of life.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
I’m rooting for you!
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
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