Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Get in the swim this summer.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
I beacha miss summer already!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
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