The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
I’m fondue you.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
"You had me at merlot."
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
I'm snow bored.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Give me some pigskin
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
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