When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Make it rein.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
One more thyme.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
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