What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
We were mermaid for each other.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
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