Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
You really mermaid my day.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Get in the swim this summer.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
You sleigh me.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
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