If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Yule be sorry.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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