After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
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