The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
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