Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I pitcher us together forever.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Practice safe text: use commas.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Go to BabaMail
