What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
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