What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Let me plant one on ya!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I'm snow bored.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Feeling my shelf.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
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