One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
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