Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
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