An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
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