If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Have you botany plants lately?
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
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