What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
You met all of my koala-fications
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
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