What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I fence-y you.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Treat yo shelves.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
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