How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I have a heart-on for you.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
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