Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
"Say you'll be wine."
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
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