Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Take off all your cloves.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
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