Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
To get to the other tide.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
"No wine left behind."
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
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