Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
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