Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
I love you from my head tomato
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Icy what you did there.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
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