I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
It's ice to meet you.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
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