When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
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