What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
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