Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
"There's no bunny like you."
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