Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
I’m soy
into you.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Drink happy thoughts.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
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