What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
I beacha miss summer already!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Shave a single shingle thin.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
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