I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Calm before the score
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
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