My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
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