I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
"No wine left behind."
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
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