Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
I whale-y like you.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
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