A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
We were mermaid for each other.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
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