"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
You make miso happy.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
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