What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
All clover the world.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
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