What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
You are shrimply the best!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I’ll never fir-get.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
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