I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Look for a rainbow connection.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
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