Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
Water you doing, my friend?
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
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