My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Rebel without a Claus.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I only have ice for you.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
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