Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
I find you very a-peeling.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Yoda one for me!
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
You’re unbeleafable.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
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