I’m chocolate to my appointment!
I hope for world peas.
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
We’re calling your number.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I'm fondue you, it's true
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
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