Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
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