What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
You’re my lucky charm.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
"It's wine o'clock."
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
You are aged to perfection.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
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