What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
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