Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Make it rein.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
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