How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
To get to the other tide.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
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