Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
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