What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Life is brew-tiful!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
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