What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
You are aged to perfection.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
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