How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
You shamrock my world.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Up to snow good.
I’m very frond of you.
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