What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
"Just one hot chick."
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
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