She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
"Sip happens."
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Wish upon a starfish.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
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