What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
"You bake me crazy."
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Summer went swimmingly this year.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
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