What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Go big or go gnome.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Metaphors be with you.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Water you doing on [date]?
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
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