I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
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