A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
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