What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
My weekend is fully booked.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
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