What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
I’m rooting for you!
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
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