A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Irish I may, Irish I might.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Car puns are really tiring
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
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