What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
It's lit.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
You mermaid to go far.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I couldn't chair less!
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
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