Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
"Rosé all day."
Poor white splash.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Paddy like a rockstar.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
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