I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Drink happy thoughts.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
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