We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I “lub” you.
Can I Alp you?
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
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