Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
You better beer-live it!
My weekend is fully booked.
Go big or go gnome.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
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