What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
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