What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
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