The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
I love when you coddle me.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
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