Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
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