What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
We were mermaid for each other.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Girls just wanna have sun.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Yoda one for me!
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Water you doing, my friend?
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
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