I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
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