My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
I’m very frond of you.
It was mitten in the stars.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
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