My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
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