How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
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