I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Whatever coats your boat.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
I have bean
thinking about you.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Leaf me alone.
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