I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
You snow the drill.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
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