Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
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