How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
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