A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
You’re my heartthrob.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
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