What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Let me plant one on ya!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Broken pencils are pointless.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
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