My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Better read than dead.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
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