My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Broken pencils are pointless.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
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