What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
This is snow laughing matter!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
You’ve been working too yard.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
We’re mint to be.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
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