I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
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