How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
We make a great pear
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
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