What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I like you a latke!
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I whale always love you.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
I beg your garden?
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
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