Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
It’s snow joke.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
I have a heart-on for you.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Beach you to it.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
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