Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
I'm pine-ing for you.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
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