What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
We have great chemis-tree.
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