Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
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