How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
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