A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
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