There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Bookworms take shelfies.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
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