Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
One trick peony.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
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