I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Poor white splash.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
We’ll have a ball.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
"That's all, yolks."
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
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