Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
That look soots you.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
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