How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Variety is the ice of life.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
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