Life without you would be un-bear-able.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
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