happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Icy what you did there!
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I whale-y like you.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
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