My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
"I mead more wine."
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
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