When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
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