How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Let’s take an elfie.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
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