Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
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