If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
I only have ice for you.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
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