What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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