Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I’m feelin’ green.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Wear green, or leaf.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
You really mermaid my day.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
All things must grass.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
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