Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
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