How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
The ocean made me salty.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
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