Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
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