What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
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