Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Prepare to be bowled over.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
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