How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Hold on for deer life.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
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