Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Let me plant one on ya!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
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