Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Seas the day!
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
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