My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
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