Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Beach, please.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
One should always practice what they peach.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
You sleigh me.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I'm snow bored.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
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