What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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