Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
That look soots you.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
I’ll never leaf you.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
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