What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
I followed my heart to you.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Gold riddance.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
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