What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
You snooze. You booze.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Shell-abrate the good times!
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
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