A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
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