It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I’m feelin’ green.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
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