As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Summer went swimmingly this year.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
We are mint to be.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
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