Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Orange you excited for Halloween?
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
"Here for the right riesling."
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Go to BabaMail
