What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
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