No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
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